Sometimes I Cry

I am 22, but sometimes I cry about things that make me feel like I am still 5.  Just because I am on medication and am better at dealing with the way I feel about things, doesn't mean that after a long and stressful week, something small and stupid won't send me off into a long, hard bout of tears.  And since I realize that what I am upset over is stupid, I also feel embarrassed about being upset over it.

Another problem I have noticed is that I tend to lash out when I am emotional.  Often, I will find myself saying things to my family just to try and hurt them as much as they hurt me.  This might be because I want them to understand how I feel, but it could just be that I am a little vindictive, and misery loves company.  Almost immediately after I say something hurtful to someone else, I am overcome with guilt and remorse.  This often leads to crying (or more crying if I have already started), and eventually my trying to apologize to people I am still mad at for hurting me.  Again, in these situations I tend to feel like I am still five, instead of in my twenties.

Tonight, the stupidest thing set me off.  I have had a very long week, as this is the first week of Fall Semester at the University of Utah, and I am taking 15 credit hours, as well as working and being involved in a few clubs.  Unfortunately, I have also been feeling fairly sick this week, with a lot of headaches, and I have not been able to sleep as much as I would like.  This morning, I woke up, feeling good about life, and as I was getting ready to leave and help my aunt and uncle prepare their house to move, my sister told me that we had the new Doctor Who episode (Hooray!)  and that she and one of my other sisters had already watched it.  Later, after I came back from a long day of helping and running errands, she asked me if I had seen it yet, and then told me that my mom and dad had watched it the previous night.  Learning this, on top of all the stress I had been through over the week, managed to push me over the edge.

Right now, I am feeling ashamed of my behavior.  Unfortunately, this does not change the fact that the next time I am in a similar situation I will probably react in the same or a similar way.  Just thinking about that threatens to send me on another bout of crying.  Sometimes it is so hard and tiring to know that no matter how hard you try, there are still things that make you feel like you have made no effort at all.