Sometimes I Cry

I am 22, but sometimes I cry about things that make me feel like I am still 5.  Just because I am on medication and am better at dealing with the way I feel about things, doesn't mean that after a long and stressful week, something small and stupid won't send me off into a long, hard bout of tears.  And since I realize that what I am upset over is stupid, I also feel embarrassed about being upset over it.

Another problem I have noticed is that I tend to lash out when I am emotional.  Often, I will find myself saying things to my family just to try and hurt them as much as they hurt me.  This might be because I want them to understand how I feel, but it could just be that I am a little vindictive, and misery loves company.  Almost immediately after I say something hurtful to someone else, I am overcome with guilt and remorse.  This often leads to crying (or more crying if I have already started), and eventually my trying to apologize to people I am still mad at for hurting me.  Again, in these situations I tend to feel like I am still five, instead of in my twenties.

Tonight, the stupidest thing set me off.  I have had a very long week, as this is the first week of Fall Semester at the University of Utah, and I am taking 15 credit hours, as well as working and being involved in a few clubs.  Unfortunately, I have also been feeling fairly sick this week, with a lot of headaches, and I have not been able to sleep as much as I would like.  This morning, I woke up, feeling good about life, and as I was getting ready to leave and help my aunt and uncle prepare their house to move, my sister told me that we had the new Doctor Who episode (Hooray!)  and that she and one of my other sisters had already watched it.  Later, after I came back from a long day of helping and running errands, she asked me if I had seen it yet, and then told me that my mom and dad had watched it the previous night.  Learning this, on top of all the stress I had been through over the week, managed to push me over the edge.

Right now, I am feeling ashamed of my behavior.  Unfortunately, this does not change the fact that the next time I am in a similar situation I will probably react in the same or a similar way.  Just thinking about that threatens to send me on another bout of crying.  Sometimes it is so hard and tiring to know that no matter how hard you try, there are still things that make you feel like you have made no effort at all.

Medication Can't Fix Everything (But It Helps)

Even though I am on medication for anxiety (and it helps a lot!), I still have to deal with feelings of extreme stress and worry.  Fortunately, I have learned which situations tend to cause me more anxiety.  In some cases, I am able to largely avoid these situations (like heights and watching young children play with sparklers), but there are others that I have to continue to deal with (like school and tests and paying for things).

The hardest sort of anxiety for me to deal with is social anxiety.  Although I have more control over it now that I have my medication, I still come across situations that pull me back into the old thought patterns.  For me, dates are the hardest.  A date involves spending time alone with someone you don't know very well yet, and the uncertainty and pressures involved are killer.  I feel sick to my stomach before each date, and even if the date goes well, when the guy starts asking me out again the anxiety starts back up.  While I enjoy going on dates, and want to eventually find someone to marry, the process to get there is a painful one.

A Bit About Me

My name is Rebecca, and I have anxiety.  The usual reaction to this statement goes something like this, "Oh, yeah, I worry about things a lot too."  Before I begin, I would like to share some information on anxiety.  While everyone worries, a person with anxiety spends a majority of their time worrying about things that are unlikely to happen or that they cannot do anything about.  These worries take up so much time and thought that they interfere with day-to-day life.  While I have general anxiety disorder, there are other types of anxiety out there, including panic disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Growing up, I was always very sensitive about things.  The best way to describe this is that I could tell myself that something was not important or I didn't want to get upset about it, but that thought process had no effect on my emotional reactions.  It was as if people had a switch in their heads, and they could decide whether or not they were going to react to something by flipping the switch, but in my head the switch was disconnected.  I could flip it all I wanted, but it was never going to do anything.  On top of my emotional reactions to the smallest problems and insults, I also worried about everything.  I worried about whether I would get struck by lightening, or the house would burn down, or a robber or murderer would break into our house and kill us in our sleep.  Whenever my parents were even slightly late picking me up after a class or activity, I worried that they had forgotten me, or gotten into an accident, or had to go to the hospital.  Basically, I did a lot of crying and a lot of worrying in my early years.

When I was sixteen, I was finally diagnosed with anxiety.  Once I started taking medication to help with the chemical imbalance in my brain, my life immediately began to improve.  It felt as though someone had connected the switch in my head, and I could finally decide not to care or worry about something.  While the medicine has been a big help, I still have days and times where I notice certain anxiety tendencies showing themselves.

This seems quite long enough for a first blog post.  I would love to hear about anybody else's struggles and feelings on anxiety.